Gather around #disorderlytribe members as we impart some more of our blonde wisdom and share a few products that make our kids’ lives (ok who are we kidding) OUR LIVES a tad easier. But first, a sing-along (to the tune of The Sound of Music’s My Favorite Things ):

When our day bites
When the bleach stings
When our hair looks bad
We simply remember our favorite things
And then we don’t feel so HAD

These products keep my kids content? Where do I buy? Yippieeeeeee!
gif credit to

Blonde Terms to Know / Episode Mentions

  • Dream Ride (Kristi and fam attended The 6th Annual Dreamcars and Cocktails event @ PGA National on February 2, 2019); honors men, women, and children living with intellectual disabilities in our communities by treating them to a LOUD, showy police-escorted ride through town in some FABULOUS CARS! Vrrrrroooomm and WOW!
Neither the Porsche race cars nor Magnum’s Ferrari had anything on us in our 1940 Caddy
  • enjoy the only verb Kristi uses to describe what happens when she leaves her house, family in tow; variations include enjoying, enjoyable, enjoyment; example: “We really ENJOYED not getting eaten by crocodiles in Islamorada, Florida;” yet another word she needs to quit using over and over; sigh
  • Five Below at least five times better than any dollar store (sorry not sorry!); a haven for moms like us who love to load up on disposable tchotchkes; a one stop shop for the Valentine Lady, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Santa
We TOLD YOU the medal was insane.
And you heard it here first: the peace sign SPINS!
  • Move Over Autism the most enjoyable (whoops, er-uh, satisfying) fun-raising fundraiser in the whole wide world sponsored by Puzzle Peace Now; happens every day of every April of every year; proceeds go directly into local autism family pockets; dale!
Stunning (great backdrop too!)
  • playing grab-ass  what we as fun humans often do instead of what we’re supposed to be doing because frankly, it’s more fun; usually suggests running around like a total idiot; example: J.R. loves to play grab-ass, I mean golf, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
  • Simply Fit Board Brenda mentions passing the time with some other moms playing grab ass while on fit boards (see grab ass); Kristi agrees it’s easy to get bored of being so fit
Lori Greiner models for the STFU emoji using the Simply Fit Board
creepy photo credit
  • Snorks (1984-1989) not Smurfs; both NBC shows a staple of Saturday Morning Cartoons for those of us of a certain age; what The Vannattas look like when snorkeling with their full face snorkel masks; rhymes with dorks
pictured: the moment Casey the Snork realizes
snorkeling means getting your hair wet
photo credit
  • Tommy Gun short for Thompson submachine gun; a signature weapon of various crime syndicates during the prohibition era; evokes images of Michael Keaton in Johnny Dangerously, the fargin’ icehole he is; not to be confused with porn actor Tommy Gunn (sorry no link will be provided)
The Vannatta boys happily wielding our friend Melvyn’s Thompson submachine gun @ Dream Ride 2019. See J.R.’s noise-canceling headphones?
  • The Valentine Lady exists only for Kristi’s children (so quit trying to Google her); leaves clever clues around the house on Valentine’s Day evening that lead to disposable gifts she purchased at Five Below (see Five Below) that morning; is exhausted
If Kristi shows her kids this pic, they’ll surely never ask for her again
photo credit:
  • The Whet Palette Brenda’s alter ego; if you didn’t know, now you know; click at your palate’s own risk
  • new moms / young moms terms Brenda and Kristi can’t help using to refer to moms newly faced with an autism diagnosis (at their age, they pretty much assume every mom is younger than them); comments disabled for this post
  • Vivaporú (a.k.a. Vicks Vaporub) a panacea; widely used by abuelos cubanos; we dare you to NOT cover your feet in Vivaporú before bed (don’t forget the socks) the next time you get a chest cold; ¡VIVA VIVAPORÚ y Dale!
translation: put on some Vics and STFU (dice abuela)

THE LIST* in ABC order

*The Disorderly Blondes would like to let you know we do have affiliate links in this blog post. The links provide us with a small percentage of commission but do not cost you anything extra. Dale!

  • 365 Organic Tater Puffs Brenda’s GO TO bait-and-switch when trying to get her kiddos to try anything new; no ketchup required
Apparently “tots” is copyrighted?
  • Bell & Evans Chicken Breast Tenders YUM; Brenda’s pick (note the food theme) for a delicious kid meal (Kristi concurs!); worth every second of the baking time (sorry microwave moms)
  • Brainy Baby DVD collection that taught Dylan to count; method to its madness involves repetition while using varied images (genius); keeps kids interested without driving mom up a wall (can anyone say Baby Einstein? Ugh!); Brenda owns and covets the entire library (duh) and you can too
  • Unigear 180° Full Face Snorkel Mask a GAME CHANGING snorkel mask that does not fog or let water in; fits snugly and comfortably on both kids and adults; a staple in Kristi’s home; one of the many reasons her family is stared at while attempting water sports
#LoveSoFla #snorks
  • Model Me Kids autism apps, videos, and software; models social skills, teaches Dylan calming catchphrases (i.e., “I’m getting a haircut, I will sit nicely); offers help with everything from facial expression recognition to numbers and letters to confidence and bullying prevention
A screenshot from the Model Me Kids App. Boy is smiling.
Mom is displaying resting autism mom face.
photo credit:
  • Nature’s Path Homestyle Waffles organic and gluten free waffles Brenda’s family loves; get to Whole Foods too late and miss out; find the entire store’s stock in Brenda’s cart; Brenda can easily be distracted by a glass of the store’s fresh squeezed orange juice, FYI
  • Episode correction: Brenda mentioned ordering these waffles online but really meant she ordered Kinnikinnick aka the original OG of waffles online; both brands rock
  • Noise-Canceling Headphones do just what they say; a great item for Kristi’s arsenal in the case her J.R. becomes upset by noise; work like “rain insurance”- bring them along to avoid the “storm;” yes they work on moms too
What’s that you say, kids? Whatever it is, the answer is NO.
  • Oculus Go Standalone Virtual Reality Headset– a virtual reality headset; ADDICTING; thousands of apps, access to your favorite streaming platforms (i.e. Netflix, Hulu), and SO much more; Kristi is VERY close to stealing it from J.R.; tune in to our upcoming episode on the uses of VR in autism education.
The experience is so real, Kristi finds herself HOLDING HER BREATH while “submersed” in the Ocean Rift app!
  • snaplaces mini-bungee-like cords that REPLACE shoelaces; made for ANYONE (not just kids); altered Kristi’s mornings forever; come in a variety of fun colors to match your sneakers (or clash, whatever you’re in to). THREE LUCKY #disorderlytribe members will win a set of Snaplaces! Follow us on IG for details but HURRY!
Florida Gator Snaplaces from their Collegiate Collection
  • Turq high quality performance a.k.a. surf underwear for the boys in your life who 1) get chaffed after a day at the beach and/or 2) get plumber butt (or worse) after a strong wave hits; Kristi’s boys wont leave land without them; find mens sizes here
tight bod not included
  • Van’s Power Grains Waffles dairy free, egg free, nut free waffles; J.R.’s favorite breakfast; the 10 grams of protein in these sweet, dense waffles keep his tummy full until lunch (the 14 year-olds don’t exactly get snack time in school any more); the only product Kristi will seek a raincheck for if Publix runs a BOGO on them

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